Yes, I really feel like I've landed in paradise. This place is stunning. But life is never totally straightforward, and all light creates a shadow....

For the past few months I have been curious how will I process this relocation, these hard goodbyes, the stress, loss and grief. Will I find myself drawn to meditation and journalling to make sense of it all? Will I have a massive breakdown/ emotional release of all the tension and grief that built up over the previous months? Would I go into 'functional' overdrive and just keep myself busy in order not to feel and deal with the emotions? I really gave space for all and any of these to be true.

What I didn't foresee is what has actually happened. About a week ago, ten days into our time here, I'd unpacked, the cats and Max were starting to settle, I'd done my essential online shopping to get the house and my home office up and running, and I was feeling truly grateful for the silent nights and mountains and forest, where I could spend hours in meditative movement to connect with Nature and her stillness and wisdom. 

And then I suddenly started having nightmares. They have been going on now for a week, and haven't stopped, and have a single common theme - international travel, in particular flights, with cats and dogs, and all the possible things that could go wrong. Every - single - night!

Most mornings I wake up slightly rattled, but grateful to know it was just a dream and we are all here, safe and slowly settling in. 

I realised that I am experiencing something that I know intimately - through my studies, guiding students through their fears in the water, and from my personal practice. 

I know this deeply - we cannot deal with trauma (with a big T or a little t) when we are still in fight or flight (or freeze of fawn) mode. We must feel safe in order to process our difficult experiences. Now that we are settled and safe, I am starting to relax and release the tension, and my psyche is starting to process the trauma (definitely with a little t) of the trip. 

Trauma isn't what most of us believe it to be - it is not only the major shock, or life-threatening injury or incident (trauma with a big T). It can also be the low-level daily stress we experience, a difficult period in our life, that cannot or don't get processed or resolved. It can spring from the emotionally unavailable parent, the unpredictable home environment, the subtle diminishing comments from a teacher or partner. Whatever we experience as negative that we internalise and don't process is trauma (with a little t). 

I realise that our journey from Dahab to La Palma, and the various difficult experiences leading up to the actual trip, were a form of trauma for me. I was holding on to so much, so many layers of planning, forward thinking, plan B, C, even D scenarios, hoping that I had everything covered. And I was consciously putting the processing on hold - there simply wasn't the time or space to deal with the emotional aspects of everything that was happening.

Now that I am feeling safe, and able to relax and allow myself to accept that we are here, and fine, my emotional body is instinctively releasing that which needs to be processed from that experience - at least as far as travel with pets is concerned - to ensure I don't carry it with me. This is healing. 

As my friend Susan Lee Scott said, in response to my last blog post on FB, 'It's always a holding onto and then letting go.' So simple, and so true.

The healing is in the letting go. 

I feel blessed that the layers of my being (physical body, emotional and mental body, energetic body, intuitive body and bliss body) instinctively know what to do in this safe place, due to years of teaching, diving deep into the theory and practice of trauma healing with my students, and my own personal work. This release is happening every night and I can feel how my body is softening, and how energy is being freed up to enjoy life! This is healing.

I shall continue to be grateful for my nightmares, trusting that they are part of a deeply intuitive process that my body, mind and spirit are going through, to help me land, ground and feel safe in this new home. I trust that this process will enable me to be more relaxed and calm to support my pets to also connect with their new home.

Right now I'm exploring my trust to allow the cats out into the garden, to discover their wider environment, and to come back. Twinkle, our matriarch at 16.5 cat years (about 82 in human years!), is happy gently pottering and has already established her favourite spot under one of the trees, in the shade.

I'm anticipating that Sky, at 11 months (a teenage boy in human terms), is bound to get into trouble. On his first garden adventure he got stuck in the tree, so I'm going to be kept on my toes. And his twin sister, Blossom, is very sensitive and still very hesitant to go much beyond the back door, any sounds sending her skittering back to my bedroom and under the duvet (we actually have a vet coming to see her today as she has developed a cough, which I think might be due to the stress suppressing her immune system). 

Finally Max, having been cautious on our first mountain walks, is now confidently marking out his territory, which seems to include the entire mountain, and is delighted by all the new smells, shade, and small dogs who fall madly in love with him (male and female).

And for those of you touched or intrigued by my musings on trauma (with a big or little T/t), then I highly recommend the following resources and to then follow your intuition to allow it to guide you through the layers of emotions that need to be processed - and keep your eyes open for my Events & Gatherings emails, which will recommence soon... 

READING:
The Body Keeps the Score by Besselt van der Kolk
Anything written by Peter Levine (starting with Waking the Tiger from 1997 to his most recent Trauma & Memory (2015))
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate

WATCHING:
Anything with Gabor Mate, or indeed any of the writers or podcasters listed here (on YouTube)

LISTENING:
Tim Ferris podcast, particularly episodes with spiritual teachers such as Tara Brach, Jack Kornfeld and Elizabeth Gilbert (also on YouTube)

I'll finish on this reassuring note. There is fear of working with trauma of any kind, but it is truly the only way that we can be free from our past and live our brightest and best future. And it is never as scary as you think it will be - honest.

If you are in the middle of a difficult experience, do your best to self care as your navigate your way through. Once you are out the other side, create space to welcome the experiences that are ready for healing, into your consciousness and your heart - and trust that only that which is ready to be healed, that which you are able to process, will present itself.

You are stronger than you know and can handle far more than you think. And if you're unsure, reach out for support - to me, or to a trained therapist, anyone you trust to create a safe space for you to explore the issues lurking in the dark, to welcome them into the light to be resolved, released and healed.

It can be a beautiful process and is a necessary one for all of us (those with the big Ts and the little ts) to live the life we deserve. Have the courage to observe what you might be avoiding, or pushing away (it may surface in your dreams, your meditation, the situations you habitually avoid). THIS is your key to your emotional freedom, THIS is your signpost towards your liberated future. 

Take care, and take courage - there is an amazing life out there waiting for all of us.
With love
Sara

PS - just as a disclaimer, I’m not a trained therapist and share from my personal experiences and learnings through spiritual practice, studies and interest and ocean wisdom that I received through freediving.

As always, PPS - if you would like to receive these Musings hot off the press when they go out (fb is always at least 1-2 days later), you can sign up to my community for Musings and news here : www.discoveryourdepths.com/newsletter.

Thank you for following me and my journey, as I adventure through the inner and outer worlds